The facts and the stories that we tell ourselves.
Once upon a time when dinosaurs ruled the world our ancestors were in constant danger of being eaten alive by the odd
velociraptor ( a vicious Dinosaur) or two.
Our physiology adapted so that even at the slightest sound of something that vaguely sounded like one of these awful man/woman eating creatures chemicals in our body would be produced and
trigger our brain to stop reasoning, our heart start to pump rapidly, our breathing to change, the digestive system to empty itself of all of its contents, and to focus every piece of energy so that we could dash for cover – If there was nowhere to run then the energy would have to be used to fight for our lives. These attributes were very useful in the times of Dinosaurs because we could be a victim to a terrifying event – a useless skill in the offices and homes of 21st century suburbia though and a cause of problems, stress, and anger.
When we are triggered is it almost certain that we will be prompted to tell ourselves a story, a negative story, a story which puts us as a victim of the situation. A story that relates to potential danger, harm, possibly death. A story that focuses the mind. This is a useful skill in times of pre history. In the homes and offices of today this automatic response can be, and usually is, counter productive. A poorly worded email, a comment on Facebook, a request from the boss, imagining what might happen if the plane crashes can all be triggers and set the body going ready to flee or flight.
Our ability to tell ourselves imaginary negative stories about really bad things that might possibly happen to us is often unhelpful, blocks opportunities, can damage relationships, and usually is a complete waste of our valuable resources.
In a book that I recommend called
‘The way we’re working isn’t working’ the author offers an idea of ‘Lenses’ to help us make sense of the stories that we tell ourselves when triggered and in particular the stories which can often leave us feeling devalued.
The default lens
Most of us see the world as reality – our reality. We see things the way they are – agree? Actually we see things the way that we see them – others may, and usually do, see things quite differently. ’A man hears what he want’s to hear and disregards the rest’ as
Paul Simon sings. Tip number one – whilst our default lens, our reality lens, might be precious to us learning to use a broader set of lenses can be transformational.
The Reflective Lens
Using the reflective lens requires us to ask two questions “What are the facts of the situation” and “What is the story that I am telling myself” asking these questions gives us the ability to stand outside the situation and observe it and not just react to it.
The reflective lens gives us the chance to consider an alternative story or stories. It offers the possibility of asking ourselves “what if the first story that we told ourselves may not be ‘true’ what if there are many other possible stories?
The Reverse Lens
This is arguable the most difficult lens to look through because it involves accepting that we may not after all be the victim.
The reverse lens means looking and considering any given situation from the other persons view point. It is highly likely that the person who you feel triggered by has a completely different view of events than you have.
Whilst counter intuitive, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value when you have been triggered is to find a way to value the person who has triggered you.
The Long Lens
A third way to view the world is through the long lens. The long lens might provide an opportunity in those situations when whatever, or whoever, has triggered you still makes you feel devalued and threatened even after separating the facts from the story that you have told yourself, even after telling an alternative possible story, even after considering things from the other point of view.
The long lens provides us with a way to look out into the future, regardless of what is going on in the present. This is a very useful tool because as humans we are terrible at predicting in the present how we are going to feel tomorrow never mind six months from now. Use the long lens to accept the reality of the current situation (the facts as you perceive them) and be lenient in your evaluation of past events. Use the long lens to actively appreciate the positive aspects of the current situation, and then use it as a matter of routine to emphasise possible positive opportunities for the future. The long lens can be a very effective device for allowing us to see the potential for learning or personal development despite the current difficulties that you/we might be facing.
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I was with the Manchester singer songwriter JP Cooper last week whilst he was musing over his favourite children’s nursery rhyme:
